Month: January 2020

Hormones, man. They’re really something. They make us laugh, they make us cry (sometimes within the same 5 minutes). Sometimes they make us throw our blow dryers into the bath tub after they convince us to cut all our hair off and dye it a color that’s too dark for our skin tone (or so I’ve heard). If you think about it, hormones are very disrespectful. 

But hormones after a baby? Oh my, now those little guys are downright awful. What’s even worse is they come with friends. The bad influence type of friends, like mood swings, intrusive thoughts, acne (and bacne!?) and even hot flashes. Oh yes, the hot flashes. Just the other day I somehow worked up the motivation to vacuum my staircase and by the end of that little adventure, the warmth radiating off my boobs and out of my shirt would have been powerful enough to heat one of those one-roomed school houses that my Great Grandma used to teach in. You’re picturing it, aren’t you? Not so hot flashes, am I right? On the bright side, I found a new way to save us a little on our utilities bill this month.

But, hormones, just like accidentally flashing your neighbor your entire nipple after a mid-afternoon pump session (sorry, Greg!), are just a natural part of becoming a mother. And perfectly normal. It’s TOTALLY normal to cry at the grocery store when the lady behind the deli counter gives you two stamps on your rewards card “because it’s cold out”. It’s PERFECTLY FINE to weep in your vehicle after seeing yourself in the self-checkout camera at Target. It’s actually natural to think about your two very young children graduating from high school and then promptly sob into the quart of ice cream you’re eating. It’s fine. I’m fine. 

I really am fine, but, I do get so emotional, baby! Since I had done this less than two years ago, I was pretty positive I was prepared for anything the second time around might throw my way. Spoiler alert, I was wrong. Completely wrong. I mean, really, so far, everything except the way my boobs look (not great, Bob), has been completely different. All of the “stuff” I dodged the first time, from weird body stuff to confusing emotional stuff, found me, even with all of the “preparing” I thought I had done. It’s all very overwhelming, kind of like being in downtown Chicago without a GPS, and no natural sense of direction, with HUGE boobs that hurt and the unrelenting urge to sob and call my mom. So, where to begin?! First, I thought I had a handle on breastfeeding, because how hard would that be with these ol’ udders? Just look at them! It certainly isn’t their first rodeo. Well, it turns out, it’s very difficult, especially when a little bitch named mastitis comes a knockin’. Mastitis, as it turns out, stands for:
M – Misery
A – Accompanied by
S – Shit, I ran out of words, but it doesn’t really matter because it’s just actually the worst – TITIS.
If you haven’t experienced this for yourself, consider yourself lucky. If you have, God bless you, and God bless antibiotics and heating pads and ibuprofen and your cousin who assures you that even though you feel like dying, you WILL survive!

This second go ’round has also brought on some mind games that for some silly reason, I thought I was somehow exempt from. I definitely knew better to think that the hard part was over once I had this precious baby of mine, but to have my body and mind gang up on me like a pack of 8th grade bullies? Nah, bro, hard pass. But alas, as the anxiety started to grow and the intrusive thoughts started to creep in, I realized that nobody, not even ya girl, is safe from what hormones and chemicals and the human body can conjure up. I have no real advice on how to navigate this messy topic, other than to have a solid support system, and a trusted sounding board that will hear you out, no matter how “crazy” you might think you sound, be it a professional or someone who’s maybe been through something similar. P.S., you don’t sound crazy, promise.

So, you may be feeling like this took a turn. And you’re right, it did! Right onto Real Life Blvd…(you’ve maybe been there, it has an Applebee’s and the carwash with the cool lights inside). This is real life and real life stuff happens and that stuff should be addressed right along with all the funny business. Nobody has this parenting thing figured out, especially me. All parents, from new ones to old ones, are in a constant state of learning. I thought I knew what I was doing after one child, which is hilarious because I didn’t even learn how to tie my shoes correctly until middle school.

So, since it’s clear I know nothing, I’ve decided to really lean into this learning thing, and I’m happy to say I’ve learned a lot! For example, I’ve learned there’s a huge difference between real Goldfish crackers and the generic version the grocery store has on sale, just ask Hayes. I’ve learned that I like the Nose Frida a little too much, and it shouldn’t be used as a toy, just ask Cash. I’ve learned that my emotions aren’t something to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by, and I’ve earned the right to have a quick cry in a dressing room at the mall if I need to. Most importantly, though, I’ve learned that Miss Piggy from Muppet Babies is a little bitch and Kermit is a kiss-ass. Gotta teach your children to catch those character flaws early, am I right?

Learning is fun, and so helpful, especially when I start to feel overwhelmed. I wish I would have known that when I was in college instead of learning how many shots of UV Blue I could do in my dorm room in one night (sorry mom). I encourage you to learn, too. Learn from your mom, your dad, your grandma, your friends with kids, your friends without kids. Hell, learn from your friend’s kids. It doesn’t matter what you’re learning as long as you’re doing it. So, learn some new stuff and report back, because sharing is caring.

Well, I better go. I hear sirens and I’m afraid my neighbor may have caught another glance at “the girls” and called the cops on me.

Til next time, xoxo!

Mackenzie

Happy new year, everyone! I still can’t believe it’s 2020. It sounds so…futuristic, doesn’t it?  I wasn’t necessarily expecting we’d have flying cars by now, but I definitely thought someone would have at least invented some sort of genetically engineered house plant that I couldn’t kill…but alas, here I sit, surrounded by half dead succulents just begging to be put out of their misery.

But enough about the depressing stuff, it’s a new year full of hope and opportunity and realistic looking faux plants available at my local Target. 2019 was a real humdinger, with a new little baby boy joining our family and Instagram wellness influencers deciding that exposing our sphincters to the sun is beneficial to our overall well-being, so, 2020 has a lot to live up to. I mean, in 2019 I can’t even count how many hours I spent primping and getting ready for the countless date nights I had.

*insert record scratch sound effect here*

Oh, shit, did I say date nights? I definitely meant OBGYN appointments. Yes, fellas, if there are any of you reading this, if your lady is spending a little extra time in the shower, shaving her legs, putting on those “special” undies and just putting forward a bit more of an effort overall, she’s not getting ready for a date…she’s heading to see her gynecologist. If you’re smart, though, you could capitalize on all of that pre-appointment prep work, but that’s for you to figure out on your own…I’m not Dr. Ruth.

But really, 2019 had it all. A trip to Nashville with Geoff that I’ll never forget. Well, some parts I’d like to forget, like when I crashed Geoff’s work trade show and made an ass of myself after drinking too many screwdrivers on the plane with my seat mate and new friend Doug (Doug, if you’re reading this, I hope your 50th birthday was a smash and your Golden Retriever and German Shepherd are doing well). We also celebrated the first birthday of the one and only Hayes in March. How many gray hairs can a lady get from planning a Pinterest perfect first birthday party? Well, I got pissed and quit counting after 17, but I am sure there were PLENTY more that my tweezers never got the chance to meet. Sigh.

2019 also brought the sip of corn syrup heard around the world (still not thrilled with you, Bud Light), the announcement of a new sister on the way and the devastating loss of our sweet, perfect, sometimes growly Lulu bear. And last but certainly not least, 2019 brought the arrival of the most anticipated collaboration project of 2019 (that I had the honor of co-producing), the handsome Cash William Eddie, officially earning me the title of boy mom. That’s right, it’s all boys in this house now, leaving me all alone on a little place I like to call “Vagina Island”. Please don’t get it twisted, I love that these boys will have a brother to rely on and grow with and I also love that I will have leftover tampon budget to spend on jockstraps and baseball cleats and maybe some new eye cream from Sephora.

The beginning of a new year is always an exciting time and for most people, it’s filled with clean slates and big resolutions. As for myself, I’m going to focus on keeping the people (and dog) in my house healthy, fed and as happy as I can. Honestly, to promise myself anything more than that would be irresponsible and a set up for failure. I’m just here to do what I can for the beautiful family that I’ve helped create. This blog is a place for me to share little pieces of our life and to see the funny side of the situations we find ourselves in. I’m definitely not here to give advice, because I’m not qualified to do so. Well, I take that back. I can share one piece of advice that works 100% of the time, and here it is: If your baby is constipated and you want them to poop, all you have to do is put them in a cute outfit. Seriously! Put them in that outfit and they’ll shit their pants immediately. That bowel movement will be headed north, clearing that diaper and ruining that onesie and perfect photo shoot you had planned in your head in no time flat. No need to thank me, the first one’s always free.

I hope your new year is filled with love and peace and health and happiness. I hope 2020 is kind to all of us, leading us on new adventures and teaching us new lessons we never thought we’d need to know. I hope we are able to control the things we can and to roll gracefully with the things we cannot. I also hope scientists finally figure out that houseplant situation, because, come on, it’s 2020 and we should be there by now.

xoxo, Mackenzie

 

Well, 2019 is out like a fat kid playing dodgeball and today starts the beginning of a new year… AND decade. That’s right, I’m Barbara Walters and this…is 2020.

2020! It’s crazy to think about. If you would have asked me 10 years ago what 2020 would be like…I probably would have been too busy crying at my desk at the Ottumwa Courier to give you a good, solid prediction. But, I can guarantee you I never would have guessed the events that were ahead of me. Marriage. (Two) Celine Dion Concerts. Puppies. Babies. Baby Shark. An upstairs AND a downstairs breast pump.

A lot has changed in 10 years, and I’m not just talking about my eyebrows. I mean, we might as well have put those things on a milk carton, because they were missing for like half a decade. Yikes. But seriously, a lot has changed, including the products I choose to use every day. In 2019, I decided I wanted to grow the heck up and go on the search for those “staple” products (both beauty & otherwise) that I could rely on to just work when I needed them to. Like most people, when I’m going to spend money on something, I want it to do its job, so through reading reviews, snooping through my mom’s stuff and sampling it without asking (the woman has great taste) and spending too much time in Sephora, I found a few that I love and actually work. So, from lip balm to canned wine to the best damn moisturizer I’ve ever put on my face, here’s my list of favorite “stuff” that I discovered at the end of this wild decade.

1. Treat Beauty Lip Balm. I don’t want to sound like a Kardashian, but I am obsessed with this stuff. I got my first tube from a friend (hey thanks, Megan!) for Christmas a couple of years ago and have been hooked ever since. The tubes are big and fat which means they last forever and are harder to misplace. Noice! The product itself smells amazing and works like a dream. Recently, I bought lip balm in Candy Apple, which has the perfect amount of color. No brag, but I get compliments on it all the time, mostly from my favorite Target cashier who sometimes tells me about her messy divorce. Getcha some.
2. Maison Margiela REPLICA Whispers In The Library Perfume. I had gotten a sample of this after one of the 100 trips to Sephora I take in a year and loved it. The smell is really subtle but fancy at the same time. The fragrance description says “paper and waxed wood”, but since I’m not a person that spends a lot of time around paper or waxed wood, I can’t really be a good judge. I just know it smells good and can be used by a guy or a gal!
3. KIEHL’S Ultra Face Cleanser. I’m probably the pickiest person ever when it comes to face wash, and I have tried them all. From Noxzema (hot damn, I’d love to take a whiff of that stuff right now) to St. Ives Apricot Scrub (what up 7th grade!) to Proactiv (yes, I ordered it from the tv). While they were all great, none of them were as good as this stuff. It’s thick and foamy, which takes all of your makeup off faster than your bra after a day of work AND doesn’t dry out your skin. My face has definitely been a lot clearer since I started using this – making even my RBF look nice.
4. Philosophy Uplifting Miracle Worker Eye. Alright, now that I’m a mom of two, I’m a real two-bagger. Wait, no, that’s not right. What I mean is, I have bags and the real kicker is, those things aren’t even designer. Howevs, after putting a little bit of this magic stuff under the ol’ peepers, things have improved. It cools. It lifts. It makes me feel like less of the old witch from Snow White.
5. Drunk Elephant D-Bronzi Anti-Pollution Sunshine Drops. I’m not sure why the name is so long. Seems like overkill to me, but I’m sure there’s a reason. Anywhosers, put a couple of drops of this stuff in your moisturizer and damn, girl. It adds the perfect amount of sun-kissed bronze and will adjust to any skin tone. I LOVE this stuff and it’s perfect for this time of year when the sun gotten out of Dodge. It’s a little pricey, but I’ve had my tube for over a year, so a little bit really does go a long way.
6. IT Cosmetics Secret Sauce Anti-Aging Moisturizer. Excuse my language, but this shit is the real deal. It’s thick and creamy and will not make your face greasy. There’s some science in there that helps with wrinkles and sun damage and it makes your skin feel soft as a baby’s butt. I have two babies, and can confirm this is accurate. Again, it’s on the pricier end, but this jar will last several months and I would almost guarantee you see a difference in your complexion after a week or two of using it.
7. Connoisseurs Diamond Dazzle Stik.  Okay, we’re done with skincare, so please do not attempt to put this on your face, as I don’t see that ending well. This THING, you guys! It is magic. Available on Amazon for $10, it will get your jewelry sparkling like it just left the pawn shop you bought it from. Just kidding. But seriously. I love it and I make all the ladies in my life try it. It works on rings, earrings, bracelets, teeth. Anything you want to sparkle. It’s worth the trip to Amazon.com, if you ask me. Which you’re not. But it’s fine.
8. Pura Smart Device. If you want your house to smell amazing and also feel cool by controlling the scent with your phone, then you need this thing. I will be honest, I spent way too much on mine by buying the NEST version, but I’m happy to let others benefit from my mistakes. I really like this because you can shut it off when you’re not home, or create a schedule so it turns on and off automatically, so you don’t waste any of the precious scent. I’ve got Volcano Capri Blue in mine right now, which makes me feel like I’m in Anthropologie (minus all of the beautiful, expensive stuff).
9. BABE Canned Wine. The canned wine scene exploded while I was on the DL. By DL, I mean while I was pregnant, but same diff. I was a huge fan of canned wine before I found out I was pregnant with Cash, so imagine my utter delight when I found myself presented with several options while casually browsing the aisles of my favorite place, HyVee Wine & Spirits. I took a chance on BABE Grigio with Bubbles and was hooked. It’s not too sweet, a little bubbly and a lot delish. Plus it comes in skinny can that makes me feel like a lady. Just kidding.

So there you have it. A few of my favorite things! So now, I want you to share yours! I love hearing about what works for people and then promptly stealing it for myself and acting like I was the first to discover it. Just kidding!

Cheers to 2020. I hope this year is good to you.

xoxo