So, something happened…
I’m a mom now.
I know, I know, I’m just as surprised as you are. But it’s true. I am a mom. A mother. A MILF, which we all know stands for: Man, I Love Food.
I’ve held this “mom” title for about 8 weeks, so you could say I’m basically a professional by now.
lol. rofl. lmao.
Just. Kidding. I’m still very unsure of what I’m doing on a day to day basis. However, I like to think that I’m getting pretty good at pretending like I know a thing or two about motherhood? It’s a little bit like the first 8 weeks of my relationship with Geoff when I think about it. Then, I pretended to be a “cool” girl who drank 8 glasses of water a day and was into the same emo music he was. The only difference is now, I’m just pretending to know basic “mommy terminology” (WTF IS DS, DD & DH?!) and remember the words to classic nursery rhymes…all while trying to avoid raising the next Norman Bates. For some reason, this all seems to be a lot harder than trying to impress a frat boy (love ya, G)…and there’s a lot less sleep…I mean, kind of…wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Sorry, I’m drinking wine. There will be sex jokes. Bear with me.
Even though I had 9+ months to prepare, the “mom” thing seemed to happen very quickly. I mean, one minute I was sitting at the hospital on our scheduled induction date, one week past my due date, gasping in complete horror as my nurse loudly asked me to confirm my weight…in pounds (all of them)…in front of Geoff – and the next minute, I was being handed my perfect baby boy from the other side of a Dexter-like blue tarp. In all reality, the whole process took around 14 hours, but it’s about as blurry as a night at the bar freshman year. Coincidentally enough, just like after a night at the bar freshman year, I woke up with a cute boy who seemed a little confused on where he was and how he got there. Oh, snap. Sorry, Geoff. And Hayes. And Mom & Dad.
It’s so hard to believe that the rollercoaster of childbirth was 8 weeks ago. It’s been 8 weeks of overwhelming love, overwhelming doubt, baby selfies (yasss), meltdowns, milestones, blowouts, baby coos, Amazonian-like nipples, lots of Googling… and growth. And even though I’m definitely doing A LOT of pretending, I have to say I am actually learning a lot, too. Not only is this perfect little boy of mine growing, but so am I. Not only am I growing physically, (“breastfeeding will make the weight fall off”, they said…BULLSHIT) but, I’m growing into this new role as Hayes’s mama. It blows my mind how one little person has taught me so much in such a short amount of time. Honestly, he should consider becoming a college professor, because he’s REALLY good at this…plus he’s easy on the eyes, too.
In my last blog, I was “nesting” and VERY into lists, because: preparation! Oh yes, I was preparing for all of this and was going to be the most prepared person, because preparation is key.
Little did I know, there is no preparing for any of this. I was so cute for trying, though. Way to go, past me…you clueless pregnant bimbo.
Anyway, I’m still very into lists. Not because of that preparation bullshit (unless you’re talking about Preparation H, AMIRITE, OTHER MOMS? YIKES…) but because if I don’t make a list, I’ll forget whatever it is I’m thinking about at the time (shout out to sleep deprivation in the back row for that!) It’s crazy how fast a thought can just disappear. One minute I’m thinking about which pants to put in the diaper bag and the next, poof, forgotten, gone girl…leaving poor Hayes to straight Winnie the Pooh It in public in the event of a blowout. If you’re unfamiliar with the term Winnie the Pooh It, it’s when you wear a shirt and no pants…and can also can be referred to as “Donald Duckin’ It”. Don’t tell me I never taught you anything.
SO, because of ALL OF THAT, I’d like to share a list of things I’ve learned so far, if you can dig it.
1) The human nipple is stretchier than your favorite pair of yoga pants.
I really wish someone would have sat me down and served me a truth bomb about just how malleable those things can be. Think silly putty, but attached to your girls. The first time you see just how far those puppies can stretch, you WILL be disturbed. But it’s okay, because at least now you know. Plus, cool party trick!
2) I have the ability to field strip a breast-pump…blindfolded.
You know in the ROTC program when the cadets have to disassemble, categorize and reassemble a firearm? That’s me – but my weapon of choice is a Medela Pump In Style Advanced breast pump, honey, and I am ALWAYS PACKIN’.
3) Pets & pacifiers don’t mix.
I’ve found it’s in everyone’s (especially the dog’s) best interest, to hide anything that belongs to the baby. I’m not exaggerating…just hide it all. They will sniff it out like a drug dog at airport and they will destroy it. In fact, just last week I found out the hard way where all of the missing pacifiers, dirty diapers, baby wipes, WubbaNubs (Google it) and entire baby socks went. Poor Bash and his iron gut are probably as full of regret as I am for all of that.
4) There’s no use in hiding your weight from your husband.
The truth will always reveal itself. Or, as mentioned before, your nurse will reveal it for you (thanks Kelly, love you). If you have a good husband like I do, he’ll pretend he didn’t hear it – even though his eyes have grown to the size of a pair of silver dollars and his forehead has started to perspire. But, believe me, you gigantic, embarrassed pregnant girl, he DEFINITELY heard it. But, guess what? He loves you anyway, so you might as well embrace it. I didn’t, I was mortified, but you should.
5) Showers are gold (but please don’t confuse that with a golden shower).
As a mom, I’ve found a good shower is now a thing of the past. In fact, I go into a jealous rage any time I see a body wash commercial and witness the subject has worked up the ~perfect lather~. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHO HAS TIME TO LATHER? Not a mom, that’s who. Bullshit. So, the next time someone offers you a quick 10 minutes to take a shower, you should absolutely accept. Take a spiked seltzer in there with you. Live a little and enjoy it.
6) Lean on your village.
This one is important. I cannot thank all of my family members, friends and pals I’ve connected with on social media for all of the advice and support through this entire journey. From advice on what maternity clothes to purchase to how to get baby on a better sleeping schedule, I’ve gotten it all…and I’m extremely grateful. No piece of advice I’ve received has gone unused – except for the person who told me not to get the drugs, because that’s just dumb. The truth is, being a mom ain’t easy and any advice should be welcomed with the one open arm that’s not being used to rock/feed/burp the baby.
7) Babies change a person.
It’s true. I’m a different person now that I’m a parent. Hayes has completely changed my life, my ability to fit into my old clothes and my point of view on so many things. Knowing that Geoff and I created this incredible little human who will grow up to tell jokes, make mistakes and drive his mother to drink (even more) is a feeling that I’ll never be able to describe. Even though I’m bitter he looks more like his dad than he does me, I still never knew I could love him this much…and this love is changing me for the better.
So, there you have it – 7 things. I’m super positive I’ve learned more than 7 things, but these were all I was able to decipher from my iPhone notes, to be honest. To anyone else, these little bullets might not seem like much, but to me they’re signs of my transformation from the old me to the new me. A better me. A mama.
I love you so much, Hayes Alan. Thank you for being ours. Bear with us as we try to figure this parenting thing out. I can’t promise you we will always do it right, but I can promise you a million more selfies, a few more lost pacifiers and all of our protection, support and love from now until forever.