“I…I have to measure my nipples,” I said to my innocent looking husband as I stared at an article on my laptop.
“How in the actual hell do I go about doing that?”
Conversations in the Eddie house have always been interesting to say the least, and have spanned topics from outer space to whether or not either of us have ever thought about taking a bite of one of our dog’s treats (before you judge I’m talking about the expensive kind from PetSmart with the sprinkles!) But lately these conversations have been even more gripping as we prepare for the biggest adventure of our lives. Parenthood.
That’s right! There’s a bun in the oven. A pea in the pod. A baby on the way! If you follow me on Twitter, you of course already know this, because it’s honestly all I can tweet/talk/think about…and…It’s boy! And even though I cried about the sex of this precious unborn son of mine for the better part of two weeks (it’s fine, I’m fine, those emotions are totally normal), I can say with full confidence, that I am more excited about this new adventure than anything I’ve ever done (and I’ve been to a Celine Dion concert, so…).
Pregnancy, however, has been one of the most confusing, magical, terrifying and wonderful experiences of my life. Since the moment I peed on that stick on the 3rd of July, I’ve been filled with joy, with sadness, with energy and with the paranoia that I would not wish on my greatest enemy (Dakota Fanning). BUT – after months & months of being on this confusing, vomit inducing rollercoaster, I can honestly say it’s been one of the most amazing rides I’ve ever been on.
There’s a lot they don’t tell you about pregnancy…and I’m starting to realize that it must be for good reason. By “they” I mean anyone who’s ever done this before. I’ve read countless articles by women gushing about what a beautiful experience being pregnant is and how sexy they felt up until the very end. Like, okay, sure – being pregnant is a special gift that I will never ever take for granted. The concept of being pregnant IS beautiful, I’d even go as far to say that it’s a miracle. But do I feel beautiful? My God, no. Do I feel sexy? Abso-flippin-lutely not. What’s sexy about areolas that look like they’ve been visiting the tanning bed twice a day for a year, my favorite under garments being accessorized with panty liners or a number on the scale that I’m pretty sure my doctor is going to scold me about? Nothing. Honestly, at the rate things are going, my baby is going to come out closer in weight to Sarah Hyland than I am – and that’s a hard prenatal vitamin to swallow.
So, sure – nobody tells you that you’ll potentially hate every new thing your body does while it’s growing the precious gift of life. That’s forgivable, I guess. But even though things are expanding at an incredibly unsettling rate, every new little ache sends me into a mini meltdown and I find myself almost peeing my pants 6 times a day – it’s an experience I am so grateful I get to have and one I’ll never take for granted.
So, even though a little heads up on a few of these “symptoms” would have been nice…maybe even welcomed, I think my favorite part of this journey has been how little I knew going in and how much I’ve learned throughout the process. It turns out, there is A LOT to learn when growing a human. Weird, huh?
So, because I’m apparently in the “nesting” phase, and I’m SUPER into lists right now, I want to share in list form, a few of the things I’ve learned so far.
You Might Have to Measure Your Nipples (I Wasn’t Lying)
If you’re going to pump, pump the jam like I’m planning to, you’re gonna have to measure those nipples, girl. Yeah it’s weird, but at least this way if you ever want to order some booby tassels, the upfront work will be done and out of the way.
Stay Away from “Mommy Blogs” (I REALIZE THE IRONY, BUT THIS IS NOT A MOMMY BLOG)
You are going to be tempted every single day to rely on the internet for answers to the random pregnancy symptoms that pop up out of nowhere. But, please, for all that is holy, resist the urge to check the Mommy Blogs. These things are full of “experts” who are full of opinions and you will ultimately feel more concerned than you were before you typed “I’m 10 weeks pregnant and have slight cramping on my lower left side is everything okay or am I dying?” into your search engine. Just trust me. Don’t do it. Instead, read a book! There are plenty out there and the best part is, they’re usually written by REAL experts. Neat!
Maternity Leggings in Every Color
That’s pretty much it. No further explanation. Target has some great options. Getcha some.
Alcohol-Free Wine Does Not and Will Never Taste Like Real Wine
I won’t bullshit ya – it tastes like sugarless grape juice. But, hey, it’s fun to pretend!
You’re Probs Gonna Pee Your Pants
Towards the end, things get weird and you’ll face a lot of pressure (and I don’t mean from society) I mean down there AND you might just pee your pants. And if you do…just change your pants, I guess. Sitting in pee pants could cause a rash.
Enjoy it
In two days, I’m going to be surrounded with my friends and family at a shower celebrating this baby boy that I’ve had the privilege of carrying for almost 9 months. Exactly one year ago from that very day, my husband and I experienced a loss of a baby nobody but the two of us & a couple close family members knew we were having. I can’t believe it’s already been a year. It was hard. It was sad. It was something I’ll never forget and it taught me a lot. Most of all, it taught me to enjoy it.
Enjoy all of it. Enjoy those stretch marks. Enjoy the lady in the breakroom who asks when you’re due even though you want to be offended. Enjoy the mustache that you’re growing during No Shave November. Enjoy it all, because there are people out there who don’t get the chance to. Women who wish every day they could experience these changes that we complain about (the primal looking nips) or take for granted (eating chocolate malt-o-meal 6 times a day). Enjoy it, remember it and cherish it. Every single day.
And that’s my list! My two cents! My tidbits of knowledge I’ve picked up here and there! Nothing groundbreaking or earthshattering, just things that have helped me handle all of the twists, turns, changes and…leaks.
Thanks for listening. Or reading. You know what I mean.
Til next time!
Mackenzie
It's Salmon 