New Year, No Way.

Oooh, hey you! Happy New Year! How’s the family…?!

This is a little embarrassing. The last time I posted, we were celebrating the first week of Autumn. The leaves, the scarves, the pants that were still fitting comfortably because the holidays hadn’t yet busted down our door like an aggressive Paula Deen shoving buttery goodness into our mouths 8 times a day for a month. Those were good times. Since then, I’ve gotten 3 new haircuts I’ve hated, become the proud new owner of a pair of steel toed boots (life-changing) and decided against a tattoo of my dog’s face on my upper arm.

We are now 29 days into winter and 18 days into the new year, and I have been ignoring this blog like I do texts from my husband when he asks me to do favors him around the house. Not THOSE kind of favors. Those I can handle. It’s running the vacuum cleaner or loading the dishwasher that I can’t stomach and will not tolerate.  Ew.

Anyway, I’ve already taken this somewhere I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.

So! How’s 2017 treating you?! I want to know. I hope you’re achieving all of your goals and slaying those resolutions better than Beyonce can slay that song about the sand castles…which I’m pretty sure is symbolic for her and Jay Z’s once crumbling relationship. God damn, I enjoy that song. Glad they worked things out. Baby Blue deserves two parents and all of those millions of dollars, I’m sure.

Speaking of crumbling…lets chat about my resolutions for just one cute little sec. A second is all it will take, because for some reason, this year I chose to opt out of the resolution scene. Too much pressure. Too much money spent on workout pants and sports bras that will never be worn, only stared at with resentment and too many swear jars that no matter how many times I mutter the word “Fuck” under my breath at my broken garage door, just will not get filled up with any of my highly valued spare change.

I did, however, make the adult decision (not resolution, decisions are different) to drink more water, but the only thing I have achieved is becoming addicted to La Croix instead. Partly because I like the way it tastes, partly because I feel sophisticated holding a can of La Croix, but mostly it is because I really love saying…”La Croix”. I try to slip it into any conversation I have, no matter the subject matter. For example, “the other day I was going through my usual morning routine, sipping on some Passionfruit La Croix, when I happened to see my neighbor kill her husband through the window. It’s disgusting how people….can even say their favorite flavor is Berry, because Passionfruit really IS the best. Have you tried it yet, I think it’s new.”

Passionfruit really is the best, though. I’m sure once my neighbor gets out of prison, she’ll agree.

Minus the zero resolutions, and my newfound addiction to carbonated water, everything else is going swimmingly. I LOVE my new job. No, seriously, I ADORE my new job. And honestly, it’s been 8 months now, so I could probably drop the “new”, but it makes me feel young, so for now, we’re keeping it. It’s crazy and it’s amazing and every day is different. It’s exactly what I wanted. There are a lot of things I did not anticipate at Bing Bang, the most surprising being my ass getting so fat from lack of leaving my chair. It’s cool though, I heard fat asses were the thing to watch for in 2017. Not like the Kim K fat ass, but more the 3rd grade teacher ass. The kind that knows no boundaries, and cannot be tamed. The kind you dare not shove into a pair of khakis, because you’ll hate yourself forever. You know, that kind of ass.

Just like full booties, goals and resolutions are not, by any means, something I am against. They’re necessary to make us better in our routines, our careers and our daily lives. Sometimes, we are forced into creating these goals (like the time my RA in college told me I had to start using the stairs and stop taking the elevator to ascend one floor) and sometimes it’s a personal choice. Either way, I love the idea of a new year and new beginnings. The chance to open up to a blank page and write or draw a new chapter to an already amazing story. So, I want to hear about your resolutions! I know, I know, I’m about 18 days behind on this – but lets face it, I’m late for everything – just hopefully not my period. Whether your resolutions are traditional or off the wall, please share. I’m a believer that it’s never too late to pick up a new habit, good (celery!) or bad (saying La Croix 93 times a day). I also want to know how you stick with them and hold yourself accountable, because really, that’s the most important part.

So, if you feel so inclined, share below. Let me in on what’s going on with you. I want to know, I want to chat!