I’ve Come to a Conclusion.

ConclusionI’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve come to several conclusions over the past 11 weeks…

Conclusions, whether valid or not, are pretty easy to make when a person spends 20 hours a day awake. That is by no means a complaint…

Okay, you got me. It’s a little bit of a complaint. I mean, I haven’t entered the REM cycle since last July and I’ve aged approximately 20 years in the past 11 months. But, (and I’m not just saying this because it’s the “right” thing to say), it’s all been worth it. Hayes is changing every day. He continues to look absolutely nothing like me, and I continue to be absolutely annoyed about that. Like, hi, I carried you for 9 months. I had an awkward conversation with a Target worker while buying Preparation H because of you. I developed a new layer of cellulite on top of my other layer of cellulite because of you…

Okay, that last one isn’t really his fault. But, the least he could do is have one itty bitty feature that resembles me, right? I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I’m pretty sure I have third cousins twice removed that resemble me more than my own child! And honestly, I’m getting sick and tired of everyone thinking I’m his hot, young nanny instead of his mother…

Got me again…

Even though I wish the two of us looked slightly more alike, I can’t kid myself. I love the little person he is becoming. He’s uniquely himself and perfect in every way. His voice is my favorite sound on this planet and the sight of the back of his chunky little legs makes me melt every time I see them…which is a lot because that boy shits his pants several times a day. Getting to know him has been the most fun I’ve ever had and, I’ve come to the conclusion that he and I will be attending the same college in about 18 years. Yes, I’ll be the weird, non-traditional student that makes everyone feel slightly uncomfortable. Sorry in advance, bud.

As for the other conclusions, well, there are plenty, but I’ll only share a few because I’ve heard releasing all of the crazy at once is a great way to lose friends. And I like all of you alot!

So, here goes nothing…

I’ve come to the conclusion that my boobs, the girls I once named, cherished and adorned with expensive bras, are now nothing more than a great source of calcium. Yes, gone are the days of low cut tops or simple gray t-shirts. Here to stay are the days of uncomfortable nursing pads and applying Lanolin three times a day.

They still have names, though, and the next time you see me, I encourage you to say hello to Blanche and Dorothy. Like all old ladies, they LOVE visitors.


I’ve come to the conclusion that the doors are never creekier, the floors are never squeakier and my hands are never as completely useless than when the baby is taking a nap. I’m not exaggerating when I say I promptly become the clumsiest asshole this side of the Mississippi when Hayes is trying to get his snooze on. Dishes go flying, hair straighteners bounce off every wall before hitting the floor and my sneezes become exponentially louder and IMPOSSIBLE to stifle. I know the universe is just playing tricks on me and to be honest, I find it a little rude. Thanks a lot universe – if this is about us shunning Pluto, just know I had NOTHING to do with that decision.

Speaking of naps, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will whisper whenever I know the baby is sleeping, regardless of his location. Hayes could be napping two counties over and I will still lower my voice to a whisper to prevent waking him from one of his precious siestas. I’ve found it’s important to save my normal speaking voice for those awkward mid-day conversations with Target workers, anyway.


I’ve come to the conclusion I’m never going to have the petite little body I’ve always dreamed of, but I have become more accepting of the one that allowed me to carry my baby and continues to allow me to take care of my boy. This thing’s a temple, man. A temple that sometimes acts like a double-wide trailer and enjoys the occasional Bud Light and bag of Funyons. It’s fine.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m already mad at my son’s future girlfriend for making him spend Christmas morning of 2036 with her family instead of ours. I mean, I’ve only met her parents once and her mom is a better cook than me. Not as breathtakingly beautiful, but definitely a better cook. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m completely nuts at this point.

I’ve come to the conclusion that babies are just messing with us. I mean….can anyone tell me how Hayes can sleep through a carwash that sounds like it’s ripping every speck of paint off of my car without so much as a flinch, but will wake in a screaming fit at the sound of my old, cracking joints as I carefully moonwalk  away from his crib? Anybody? Bueller?

Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is what I was always meant to do. Hayes has always been in our plan. He was a gift just waiting to be opened at the perfect time and he’s absolutely amazing. I’m blessed to be his mama, am so incredibly lucky to have his dad as my partner in life and I look forward to all of the new conclusions I get to make with each new day I get to spend with them both.

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