Today was going to be the day I got my shit together. The day I dove headfirst into adulthood. But, I’ve never been good at diving. I’m more of a waddle in waist deep, head back to shore, cry a little and then eventually wade back out, plug my nose and dunk my head kind of gal.
Today was the day I didn’t read the user instructions to my new Clarisonic face brush and spent the better half of an hour planning out how life as a blind woman would be after I shot facial cleanser into my retina at G-force speed. Thank God the issue resolved itself, because I don’t think Bash would be okay with me getting a service dog.
Today was the day I was going to make my boss proud by how much I accomplished during my “at home work day”. Instead, I got distracted by a Game of Thrones marathon and answered every email with a dramatic, British accent in my head. (How dare you be so bold to request so much of the mother of dragons?!)
Today was the day I cut myself on the blade of my new food processor approximately 14 seconds after it had been out the box, bled all over my table and cursed myself for asking for such an ambitious gift. I mean, who am I, Emeril f*cking Lagasse? No.
Today was the day I said, “Awwww!!!” when the Walgreens clerked as me for my ID as I bought Sudafed. I’m also having some serious skin issues, so I’m not taking it personally as I reflect on the fact that I’m pretty sure they thought I was high.
Today was the day I used Walter White logic, and dumped last month’s French onion soup down the toilet when I needed to use my Dutch oven for tonight’s white chili. I mean, if the pipes of an old, New Mexico home can sustain the remains of an acid eaten body, I think my newish home can handle a little bit of soup that I left in the fridge for a little too long?
And finally, today was the day I said “fuck it, lets try again tomorrow”.
Adulthood will find me someday, but it definitely was not today.