Happy new year, everyone! I still can’t believe it’s 2020. It sounds so…futuristic, doesn’t it? I wasn’t necessarily expecting we’d have flying cars by now, but I definitely thought someone would have at least invented some sort of genetically engineered house plant that I couldn’t kill…but alas, here I sit, surrounded by half dead succulents just begging to be put out of their misery.
But enough about the depressing stuff, it’s a new year full of hope and opportunity and realistic looking faux plants available at my local Target. 2019 was a real humdinger, with a new little baby boy joining our family and Instagram wellness influencers deciding that exposing our sphincters to the sun is beneficial to our overall well-being, so, 2020 has a lot to live up to. I mean, in 2019 I can’t even count how many hours I spent primping and getting ready for the countless date nights I had.
*insert record scratch sound effect here*
Oh, shit, did I say date nights? I definitely meant OBGYN appointments. Yes, fellas, if there are any of you reading this, if your lady is spending a little extra time in the shower, shaving her legs, putting on those “special” undies and just putting forward a bit more of an effort overall, she’s not getting ready for a date…she’s heading to see her gynecologist. If you’re smart, though, you could capitalize on all of that pre-appointment prep work, but that’s for you to figure out on your own…I’m not Dr. Ruth.
But really, 2019 had it all. A trip to Nashville with Geoff that I’ll never forget. Well, some parts I’d like to forget, like when I crashed Geoff’s work trade show and made an ass of myself after drinking too many screwdrivers on the plane with my seat mate and new friend Doug (Doug, if you’re reading this, I hope your 50th birthday was a smash and your Golden Retriever and German Shepherd are doing well). We also celebrated the first birthday of the one and only Hayes in March. How many gray hairs can a lady get from planning a Pinterest perfect first birthday party? Well, I got pissed and quit counting after 17, but I am sure there were PLENTY more that my tweezers never got the chance to meet. Sigh.
2019 also brought the sip of corn syrup heard around the world (still not thrilled with you, Bud Light), the announcement of a new sister on the way and the devastating loss of our sweet, perfect, sometimes growly Lulu bear. And last but certainly not least, 2019 brought the arrival of the most anticipated collaboration project of 2019 (that I had the honor of co-producing), the handsome Cash William Eddie, officially earning me the title of boy mom. That’s right, it’s all boys in this house now, leaving me all alone on a little place I like to call “Vagina Island”. Please don’t get it twisted, I love that these boys will have a brother to rely on and grow with and I also love that I will have leftover tampon budget to spend on jockstraps and baseball cleats and maybe some new eye cream from Sephora.
The beginning of a new year is always an exciting time and for most people, it’s filled with clean slates and big resolutions. As for myself, I’m going to focus on keeping the people (and dog) in my house healthy, fed and as happy as I can. Honestly, to promise myself anything more than that would be irresponsible and a set up for failure. I’m just here to do what I can for the beautiful family that I’ve helped create. This blog is a place for me to share little pieces of our life and to see the funny side of the situations we find ourselves in. I’m definitely not here to give advice, because I’m not qualified to do so. Well, I take that back. I can share one piece of advice that works 100% of the time, and here it is: If your baby is constipated and you want them to poop, all you have to do is put them in a cute outfit. Seriously! Put them in that outfit and they’ll shit their pants immediately. That bowel movement will be headed north, clearing that diaper and ruining that onesie and perfect photo shoot you had planned in your head in no time flat. No need to thank me, the first one’s always free.
I hope your new year is filled with love and peace and health and happiness. I hope 2020 is kind to all of us, leading us on new adventures and teaching us new lessons we never thought we’d need to know. I hope we are able to control the things we can and to roll gracefully with the things we cannot. I also hope scientists finally figure out that houseplant situation, because, come on, it’s 2020 and we should be there by now.